Steiner the Love Machine
by Carbuncle
Summary: Queen Brahne is looking forward to the performance of "I Want to Be Your Canary", while Steiner has a problem.


FINAL FANTASY IX  
  
AUTHORS NOTE: It's my first FFIX fic, and because I've only just started to play the actual game, I still know very little about it or its characters. So, please forgive me if things seem a bit... wrong. This fic takes place before the performance of the play, "I Want to Be Your Canary". I hope you enjoy the story!  
  
Steiner the Love Machine  
  
"Captain Steiner! I'll ask you again! Does my butt look big in this dress?" Queen Brahne said.  
  
"I have told you before, Your Majesty. I do not know," the knight said.  
  
"Oh, you are useless!" the Queen said. "Well, the least you can do is go down to the village and get me some new perfume. I have to continue to smell my best for the performance, you understand?"  
  
"Yes, ma'am," Steiner said, as he left the throne room.  
  
Steiner made his way into the village. The place was full of peasants and strangers who had come to view the play, "I Want to Be Your Canary". Alexandria had never been so popular.  
  
"Hey, watch it!" he shouted, as a small child ran past him. "I hate children!"  
  
Steiner reached the town center, and was just about to buy the Queen her perfume, when he noticed an unusual looking market stall that he'd never seen before. There was a strange fishman behind the counter.  
  
"Good afternoon, sir! Enjoying the festivites?" the man said. "Care to buy a sample of my goods?"  
  
"Excuse me, but I'm in a hurry," Steiner said, politely ignoring the man's question.  
  
"Well, then don't let me keep you," he said.  
  
Steiner quickly turned around, but unfortunately, he crashed into a young lady. She dropped all her goods.  
  
"Oh! Insolent fool!" she said. "How rude!"  
  
"I... I'm sorry, ma'am! Here, let me help!" Steiner said.  
  
"Ugh! Not only are you an insolent fool, but you are also a terrifyingly ugly man! Leave me be!"  
  
"I'm... sorry..." Steiner said.  
  
The woman gathered her things and headed off towards the castle. Steiner had never been so embarrassed.  
  
"Ugh! Why do women always say I'm so ugly?! I'm not ugly! I just need someone to love me..." he said to himself.  
  
"Psst! Hey, you there!" the fishman hissed. "Yeah! You!"  
  
"You again?! I told you I did not want anything!" Steiner said.  
  
"I just wanna say, that was totally unfair how that woman treated you. I mean, you're not ugly, sir," the fishman said.  
  
"I didn't ask for your pity!" Steiner snapped.  
  
"But I got something that could help you with your woman troubles."  
  
"Not interested!" Steiner said.  
  
"Okay... I guess you don't wanna be irresistable to the opposite sex."  
  
"...How much?!" Steiner said.  
  
"30 gil, plus whatever else ya got!"  
  
"I got 30 gil and an ether... will that do?" Steiner said.  
  
"Uh... sure!" the fishman said, as he took Steiner's items. "And here *you* are!"  
  
He handed Steiner a small bottle with some blue liquor inside.  
  
"Wait a minute! This is just a regular potion!" Steiner said.  
  
But when he looked up, the market stall had mysteriously disappeared.  
  
"What the devil?" he said. "Oh well, at least it will come in useful when I am ill."  
  
Steiner made his way back to Castle Alexandria, pushing past mindless peasants on the way.  
  
"Captain Steiner! So you have returned!" Queen Brahne said, on Steiner's arrival.  
  
"Yes, ma'am!"  
  
"And you have my perfume, too? Well, hand it over!" She smiled in that horrible way she does.  
  
"Oh... damn!" Steiner thought. "I forgot to buy her perfume! That stupid fishman!"  
  
"Captain Steiner... I'm still waiting..."  
  
"Um, I'm awfully sorry, Your Majesty. But I regret to inform you that I have forgotten to purchase your perfume."  
  
"WHAT?!" she shrieked. "Fool! Take this!"  
  
The Queen pulled out a heavy wand from behind her back. She hit Steiner over the head with such force that he was knocked outcold. Steiner awoke in his room. He was lying on his bed, and he had a splitting headache.  
  
"Ow... ah!" he groaned. "I feel like I was hit by the Prima Vista!"  
  
He looked around the room and noticed the potion he bought from the fishman was on his dresser drawer.  
  
"At least this wasn't a complete waste of money!" he said, as he took hold of the potion.  
  
He took a big mouthful and devoured the whole bottle (of liquid). He felt his head become lighter, and his headache vanished.  
  
"Smooth... but it didn't taste like any potion I've ever tried..."  
  
Just then Beatrix (?) walked into the room.  
  
"Hello, Captain Steiner. How are you doi-"  
  
"General Beatrix? Is something wrong?" Steiner said.  
  
Beatrix began to stare into Steiner's eyes. He felt as though she was about to kill him for some reason. However, she leapt at him, forcing him onto the bed.  
  
"Oh, you are such a stud, Captain S! I can call you Captain S, can't I?" she said.  
  
"Uh! Uh! Ye... Yes, yes, ma'am!" Steiner stuttered.  
  
"Boy, you sure are hot in here! Let me just get comfortable, baby."  
  
Beatrix struggled to remove her breastplate. Steiner felt himself begin to sweat. Suddenly, the door swung open. Princess Garnet walked in the room.  
  
"Steiner, I'm feeling a little worried about the play tonight," she said. "Do you think we could tal-"  
  
Garnet began to stare into Steiner's eyes. He felt more excited than he'd ever felt before. Garnet slowly crept towards the bed, swinging her hips in a sexual way.  
  
"My, my! Did you get a haircut or something, Steiner? Ring-a-ding-ding!"  
  
"Prin... Princess Garnet?! Wha... What are you doing?!" Steiner panicked.  
  
"Don't worry, Steiner. You're a big guy; I bet you can handle the both of us," Garnet said.  
  
"Yes, show us what you're made of!" Beatrix added.  
  
The two women started to pull on Steiner's armour. He wanted to tell them to stop, but he felt so wanted. He smiled as he got ready for heaven. Just then, the door swung open again. It was Queen Brahne.  
  
"Steiner! Garnet! What are you all doing in here?! The play is about to start in ten minut-"  
  
Queen Brahne began to stare into Steiner's eyes. He felt afraid.... Very afraid. The Queen made her way towards the bed.  
  
"Make way for Brahne! You handsome, handsome man!" Queen Brahne screamed excitedly.  
  
"No! No! Noooooooooo!" Steiner howled.  
  
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THE END__________  
  
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End file.
